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Guest Columns | Chris Jones |
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THE YEAR IN JONES
Greetings, people! Can you believe it? THREE Jones pieces hitting the [slash] in one week! You know what THAT means! Yep, go grab the Pepto. You're gonna need it. As I'm sure you'll all aware, we're a few days removed from the big 1-year anniversary of [slash]... but we're also just a day or so shy of my anniversary ON [slash]. So with that in mind, I present this special Year In Jones retrospective... a look back at all the fun and memories we've shared these past 12 months. You might now be thinking "HEY, Jones! Who are YOU to think anyone would care about this?" Well, you're probably right. But in all honesty, the idea wasn't mine. A regular reader of mine suggested it and, when I ran it past several other readers that I speak with semi-regularly, they all liked the idea and offered suggestions on what to include. So, with their assistance, I ran with it and we have the finished product you see below. If you want to read it, great. If you don't... screw you, buddy! Suck it! Bite me! F you! *crotch chop* Uh... sorry. Anyway, what you'll find below is a link back to everything I've EVER done on [slash], and some humorous quotes pulled out of the PPV recaps. If you read over a quote and don't think it's funny, just imagine how many were originally included that I cut because they really, truly weren't at all amusing. But also keep in mind that a few unfunny quotes, such as the very first one, are included only to set you up for the punchline(s) that appear later. And with that in mind... if you can stomach it, let's take a look back at where it all started: 1999's Bash at the Beach!
This is WCW! Where we SHUT UP and WRESTLE! Why? �Cause we're OUT THERE!
"THE PROFESSOR" "IRON" MIKE "IXNAY" "SCOOP" TENAY has made his way to the
junkyard, thanks to the tireless efforts of his location-ratting spies. Good
thing Mike's so well connected or he'd have had to stoop to asking the
camera crew the location... or he could have asked Hak. Or Jimmy Hart. Or...
well, you get the picture.
Apparently he and Disco will have yet another dance contest to start the
match. Why? Because this is WCW! Where we SHUT UP and WRESTLE!
Miller puts on his ruby red slippers and proceeds to have a rhythm-based
seizure.
Tony calls Van Hammer one of the hottest young stars in our sport. Yeah, who
needs Jericho when you've got Van Hammer! What's Tony's been sniffing?
Steiner makes a COVER on the outside. He's hardcore! He's hardcore! Well,
it's that or he's a moron. Take your pick.
Why, that's TORRIE WILSON on David's arm! Tony speculates that her 72 hours
with Nash are up, though Nash never really WON that match. And that doesn't
explain why Torrie was still with Nash the following week. But Torrie's
showing too much cleavage for me to complain about it.
Tony and Bobby display the wit and chemistry that has made them the third
best PPV broadcast team in wrestling, just behind Ross/Lawler and
Styles/nobody.
A FORKLIFT appears and grabs the car. The trunk opens again and Finley is
out before the forklift even moves, but it takes the car to the car crusher
and smashes it anyway. Someone tried to KILL Fit Finley! WHO DROVE THE
FORKLIFT?! What? Not important? Okay.
Page climbs the top rope to celebrate and then seemingly fakes a fall to the
floor. He either planned that or saved himself at the last second. He struts
around with the Pee Wee Herman "I meant to do that" glow afterwards.
Up next, it's our boxing match! Because this is WCW! Where we SHUT UP and...
ahh, it's not worth it.
"Let's bring her own down. Judge Judy Bagwell!" Just when I thought this
match had reached it's FULL suck potential they pull THIS? Ah yes, because
if anyone can offset Ric Flair, it's JUDY BAGWELL!
A video package shows ample amounts of Gorgeous George's cleavage, Madusa's
massive rack, shots of George's ass... oh, and some of the events that led
up to the main event.
The 40 people that ordered this can get a free Bash at the Beach cooler if
they send in their cable bill! And all it costs is sitting through this
crap! Is it worth it? YOU decide!
That has to be one of the WORST pay-per-views in recent memory. I was more
entertained by the In Your House where the power went out for over half the
card.
WHY NICOLE BASS SHOULD SIGN WITH WCW My one and only strictly comedy piece; a parody of Bob Ryder's shameless shilling of why Chris Jericho should have chosen to remain with WCW last summer. Assuming I wasn't the victim of a cruel and hurtful hoax, the staff at WWF.com rather liked this one. Go see why!
As you read this review, bear in mind that my choice was based solely on my
desire to offer assistance to the masses. Well... that and I wanted to see
some HOOTERS, baby! Melons, jugs, boobies, puppies, headlights, the dairy
farm, nature's pillows! Woo Hoo!
Any potentially offensive comments I may make are meant strictly as jokes,
not an attempt to use this as an outlet to express my hatred of women or my
views that they should be looked upon only
as sex objects. Well... as far as YOU know! Bwahahahaha!
Cole talks about Sable's career over various suggestive poses, including
Sable in a wet t-shirt, Sable wearing nothing but a net over her breasts,
Sable in a see-through top on the beach, and Sable naked except for some
suds. Hey, I hope there's no KIDS seeing this video! Sable will surely be
outraged!
>From Sable's own mouth, it's the fans who made her a sex symbol. But if all
those fans are kids, why pose naked when they can't see it? Jeez, do her
lawyers know about this tape?
The infamous footage from the bikini contest is shown! Woo Hoo! NIPPLES!
Road Dogg says he's friends with Chyna, they talk and spend time together...
but none of the other women give Road Dogg the time of day. That's not how
HE said it, of course, but it's the general
idea.
She says she "broke her jaw" and dropped 30 pounds because she was unable to
eat. See girls, there's no need to diet! Reconstructive jaw surgery is where
it's at!
She tastes wine with the Frenchman and talks about how a cleansing breath
after each sip is good. She actually says "lift your chest with me" to the
man, nearly giving him a heart attack as he continues to avoid looking
directly at her cleavage.
Now Terri's stirring a bowl in the restaurant kitchen, where a French chef
tells her to stir more
forcefully as he blatantly watches her breasts shake. The poor guy probably
doesn't see much play, so Terri does as requested even though she has to
know what he's up to. She DOES have a good heart!
She's wearing a thin white t-shirt with no bra, and anyone NOT staring
directly at her protruding
nipples has to be blind, because even women and gay men can't help but
notice �em.
Tori says... something. I don't know. Her nipples have me hypnotized.
Join me next time when we'll take a look at "Girls of Hawaiian Tropic" or
maybe a review of the soon-to-air Nitro Girls PPV special. Or... I suppose I
could do something about WRESTLING next time. Suck all the fun out, why
don'tcha. Jeez!
The title says it all. Witness the debut of my random topics closer, which has since found it's way into every column I've ever done.
NITRO GIRLS SWIMSUIT CALENDAR SPECIAL
An ad just before the event shows multiple cleavage shots with the announcer
claiming "the Nitro Girls fulfill your wildest fantasies...". Let's get one
thing straight... nowhere in my fantasies do girls take off their bikini
tops or take their hands off their breasts as they turn away from the
camera, just as it fades out. So if that's all this is, I'm going to be very
disappointed.... So there had better be some bare breasts, exposed asses, or
vibrator action for it to live up to the billing it's gotten. And if it
falls short, rather than blame the girls for being teases, I'll put the
blame squarely on Bischoff and WCW for hyping it like they did. Cool?
Cool.
FYRE - the token redhead. In my personal opinion, her breasts are far too
fake looking. Not too big... just so obviously fake that it ruins the image.
They're not supposed to stick out at 90 degree angles. Damn!
"I'm Fyre. I have red hair. And I have a pretty hot temper." WOW! Only 10
bucks for this in-depth look into their lives?
Kimberly doesn't think we know about all the work that goes into being a
Nitro Girl. It's a good thing they're going to show us what it takes with
this special about... oh yeah, about their breast implants and tight
asses.
An ass comes into view... why, it's AC Jazz coming into the pool. And we're
supposed to think she's TOPLESS! Because girls hang around each other naked
all the time... where have you been?
Chae's in front of a sunrise or a sunset. She's got on a mesh top... I see
NIPPLES! YES! Maybe this won't be a total waste of my time.
Then they talk about the nipple slip. But no FOOTAGE! SCREW YOU, WCW!
Back at the pool, Kim's lying topless on her stomach while Fyre rubs lotion
on her. I couldn't possibly be making this up... it's like a really bad
porno movie. No plot, shitty dialogue, and NO SEX!
Storm complains about the others having fun aboard the cruise ship while she
and Fyre had to work out. Not fair! But surely, the workout turned into an
"exploration" of each others bodies! Right? Right?!
Oh yeah! IN THE SHOWER WITH CHAE! God bless you, Eric Bischoff!
Chae removes all the seaweed, never once letting her hands stray from her
breasts. It must be tough to get clean like that.
Fyre holds a plastic ball that reminds me of her breasts.
Chae and Fyre ride horses along the beach. You know how when you're riding a
horse, there's usually a bouncing motion? Well, if you didn't, you wouldn't
know by watching Fyre's breasts.
Tygress suggests a game of truth or dare. I dare her to pull down Kimberly's
trunks and give her a good... wait, we're off...
In the pool, (Kim's) still covering herself. She walks off, pulling her
hands down, but not facing us. Bitch! No, wait... Bischoff SUCKS!
Dolphins jump around the dock Fyre sits on, but Fyre is forced to remain in
the same position. It's hard for her... but her breasts manage easily.
Kim wants her to take advantage of the viewing audience and says Tygress
should do her "booty shake". Tygress stands with her SIDE to the camera and
shakes it. Wow! I certainly didn't want to see her backside as she did
that! For that would have been pleasing!
"When two people come together, if the chemistry is there, it doesn't matter
what gender you are... anything goes. There's nothing two people can do
that's wrong." Hey Chae, how about MURDER? Rape? Robbery? Oh well. At least
we know Chae's bi. That's almost worth ten bucks!
Back to the two goofy white guys, who bitch about the weather during the
shoot. They didn't know what to do while it rained. How about getting the
girls in white t-shirts and rounding up a game of volleyball? Noooo! That
would have required THINKING on your part! You sorry bastards!
Kim says it's not WHO turns her on, but WHAT turns her on. So she's easy?
Cool! It's music and candlelight if you ever want into Kim's panties.
Getting some tattoos and not showering probably wouldn't hurt either.
We fade into "the most romantic place on Earth", according to Kimberly...
NASSAU... Apparently Kim has never seen Paris. But she's married to DDP,
what can you expect?
Chae says the question they get asked most often is "who's your favorite
wrestler?" Well, that's actually third just behind "how much for two of
you?" and "can I play with your boobies?", which Mike Tenay never seems to
quit asking.
The Nitro Girls apparently put on some sort of modern dance performance
somewhere. If you're not hip to it, modern is slang for "crap".
Fyre: "Everyone knows that I'm a wise ass... so it's only natural that Buff
Bagwell is my
favorite." What the HELL does that mean?
Spice is lying topless in the sand, face down, with a little lace thing
covering her ass. She raises up JUST enough to get a nipple peek as the
camera pans away. God damn it! Work with me here!
Back at the pool, the girls are lined up in the pool with their backs to the
camera and no straps across their backs. Kim tells us to keep watching for
them... and they toss their tops towards the camera. Bah! Screw the whole
lot of ya! Cock teases! Uh... I mean, WCW sucks ass! They BLOW! The sons of
bitches!
But for the pool crap, they had to be following a script... a script written
by 6th graders... in the LD classes... who've suffered serious head
trauma.
I am your hero, your role model, your paragon of virtue... "Kittenheart"
Chris Jones-ico...
Tony hypes up the return of Hulk Hogan while I picture Tony going into a
biker bar and getting the shit kicked out of him for wearing that
outfit.
Clips of Booker T ruining his promising career for his family are shown.
Saying "the reunion of Harlem Heat" would have also worked here.
Tenay discusses the possibility of "team rust" on Harlem Heat. Sure, blame
both of them for Stevie sucking.
The Revolution enters to Saturn's music, because images of Marilyn Manson is
exactly what you want to put in the head of several thousand drunken,
violent bikers.
Sonny's wearing a leather vest and no shirt, which would rock if it were
Tammy Sytch. Unfortunately, it's a scrawny Japanese guy.
Video clips show DDP learning that you don't talk about Benoit's mama. No,
I'm serious.
Again discussing Hogan, Tony says "I think (the fans) always loved him. I
don't think it ever left." I suppose the last few years have just been a bad
dream to Tony, only he's gotten fatter while he slept.
Bobby Heenan looks like a Dusty Rhodes Mini-Me in his outfit. Tony and Tenay
just look gay.
A good close up of Steiner saying "Fuck you!" and flipping off the fans. He
then grabs his balls and shakes them. I really needed to see that, thanks
Rick.
Replays make me think Rick might have had a chance. Okay, you caught me,
they didn't.
Video clips of Dennis Rodman embarrassing WCW are shown. And when you
consider how much WCW embarrasses themselves, Rodman's accomplishments mean
something!
Arli$$ claims that Rodman vs. Savage will break every PPV record. Bet he
wishes he could take THAT back!
"Macho Man! You brought my ass all the way here to Sturgis, you wanna kick
my ass, right? All I want to know is where's my bitch? Where's she at?"
Macho responds. "Tonight, you're MY bitch! And everybody out here, I invite
you to fight for sloppy seconds!" Something tells me it wouldn't be the
first time a group of bikers fought over who got first crack at Rodman.
Savage pulls a guy out of the port-a-potty and puts Rodman inside. Savage
tips it over and
something's leaking out of it... oh, shit! Literally! What is it with Macho
Man angles and the involvement of human feces? All he needs now is Sable as
his valet.
I was a big Hogan fan as a kid, don't get me wrong, but you know what else I
liked as a kid? Riding my bike. Eating peanut butter and jelly at every
meal. Having my mom bring me water at night when I was thirsty. I grew out
of all of that... well, my mom still gets me water...
The first big move of the match and it's a REST HOLD. What does that tell
you?
Tony's voice cracks as he proclaims Hogan is the greatest athlete ever. Blow
me, Tony.
The column that revolutionized professional wrestling as we know it! The column that brought peace to Middle East countries and an end to famine and starvation everywhere! Well, not really. But there's a picture of Terri's nipple! What more can you ask for? I'd be remiss to not mention that this was the [slash] wrestling 1999 COLUMN OF THE YEAR, by the way. And would you believe that I still get e-mail about this one? It's true, it's true!
My name is Chris Jones and I've got a question for you. Do you feel goose bumps all over your arms? Do you feel a tingling going up and down your spine? Is your heart pounding so loud in your chest that you can hear it? If you said yes then you've either partaken in some bad clams in the past 24 hours... or you're psyched for another World Championship Wrestling pay-per-view!!
For your sake, I hope it's the clams.
And hey, despite the fact that Eric's only been gone for a few days, perhaps
this event will be a sign that WCW's moving on to bigger and better things!
Finally, the young stars will get their due while the company looks forward
into the coming years. Tonight starts WCW's return to glory! Well... it's
that or the harsh realization that this is going to be the same old crap.
And I choose to think positive!
We fade in to the... ahem... "jam packed" Lawrence Joel Coliseum in
Winston-Salem, North Carolina. Didn't they have under 3000 tickets sold
around Thursday? But by using only half the arena and darkening out the
upper decks... it feels like it's SOLD OUT!
Rey removes the cap... he's BLONDE now?! Oh MAN, does he look gay.
Kaz is sporting the evil Japanese goatee that's all the rage these days.
Well, if you're evil and Japanese, I suppose.
Even with the glitter and pink frills, Lenny and Lodi don't look as gay as
Rey Mysterio did.
Lodi's signs include "West Hollywood Blondes" and Lenny is actually
announced as being from West
Hollywood. Tenay confirms that and says that it's fine with him if they want
to call themselves the West Hollywood Blondes. That whirring sound you hear
is Brian Pillman spinning in his grave.
He lifts Kaz up and drops him on all fours, still holding the waistlock...
and now GRINDING it. Not a minute in and we're mimicking sodomy. THIS is
WCW!
Video clips show us the problems between Rick Steiner and Saturn, as both
men fight for the title "ugliest mofo in wrestling".
Another wrestler has stepped up to face Berlyn, but nobody knows who it is.
PLEASE let it be Barry Horowitz! Imagine the multi-leveled irony!
Man, this sucks. Hacksaw fought back from cancer for THIS?
They shake hands and then bump fists, cause they're cool guys and that's
what cool guys do. Well, that and sitting in the back eatin' fruit.
Hey, if you ordered Fall Brawl, send in your cable bill for an EXCLUSIVE
Fall Brawl stadium seat cushion! Because when there's such a low turnout at
a pay-per-view, we ALL benefit!
The ad for Halloween Havoc features the line "watch the horror unfold". So
fitting for a WCW event... it's scary!
And for your information, I was working on a piece about how Jeff Jarrett
was quickly becoming my favorite wrestler alive... up until that fateful day
I saw "Jarrett Set To Jump" at 1wrestling.com. But I'll sum the article up
for you... EVERY man, at some point in his life, has wanted to say "get in
the kitchen and make me some supper" to a woman. And if you deny it, you're
LYING!
His entire outfit looks like it came from something that was once alive. Fur
is murder, Disco!
My goodness, I haven't seen Kimberly in an angle with this sort of drama and
intrigue since the Evad Sullivan dinner date.
Tony says this has all the makings of a great match. Yeah, if Benoit goes to
get a wheelbarrow
so he can CARRY Steiner's worthless ass.
Lex is out in his tear-away sweat gear and Liz has the same dress on she did
when she unmasked after the funeral sketch. Has she run through her
"post-implant" wardrobe already?
They trade hiptoss attempts until they BOTH fall over the top rope to the
floor. WHO WON? WHO'S GOING TO WRESTLEMANIA?! Jeez, I gotta stop doing
that.
Again, I need some clarification. WCW has Kimberly, Torrie, Gorgeous George,
Elizabeth, and numerous Nitro Girls... ALL who are attractive and who have
large breasts... but Vince and Ed want the aging, cottage cheese thighed
Madusa to flaunt her stuff on every show? These are the same guys who had
Mae Young stripped down to her underwear, by the way. If I didn't know
better, I'd say this bizarre obsession with old women and incest angles
points to something troubling in one of their pasts.
The commentators are putting Sid over huge for his guts, despite the fact
that he JUST started bleeding. If you're trying to make a turn for Sid, at
least wait to hype his bravery until he DOES SOMETHING BRAVE.
Well, Bob Ryder was either drunk or stoned as he wrote up his hype for the
show. A grand total of NO things he said would happen actually did, right
down to the internet reaction to the show and the non-appearance of a
"controversial personality". Although he did say some people would hate the
show... I'm willing to be THAT one came true!
WAL-MART, MARKS, AND BOOBS! OH MY!" The article where I brought attention to the decline in wrestling discussion on the internet, prompting the Senate investigation that's currently ongoing. Actually, I just made fun of some stupid people at MarkMadden.com. This column might rival the Nipple as the one I've gotten the most mail about, mainly due to my Kevin Smith related question. You'll be happy to know that I've since broadened my horizons and seen several more of his movies.
Bobby comments on how Jarrett is the superior wrestler, pretty much calling
him the greatest wrestler alive in the process. I shall not argue!
Hold on... if Jarrett's in with these new writers, who once made Buff
Bagwell lose to La Parka, why didn't they write it so Jarrett won the match?
I'm so confused!
They zoom in on a "What Canadians Watch" sign... Canada
doesn't equal many ratings points, eh?
Evan throws Disco inside as Tony joins the broadcast table, doing an Italian
impression that makes Tommy Rich look like Marlon Brando.
Skinny Italian Tony (as opposed to Fat American Tony) says his father sent
him to collect Disco's
debts. If Tommy Rich IS the dad, this will be the GREATEST ANGLE EVER!
Mean Gene's standing by with Nor-man Smi-lay, who's on-screen appearance
draws a crowd pop. See, he's from England and there was one guy in the Hart
Foundation from England, so logic dictates that Canada likes Norman. It's
either that or Norman is just plain over... but everything is geographical
with these people. (And don't write me letters... I can say "these people"
because I once met a Canadian and as such, I'm now able to comment on them
as a whole. They're really not that different from you and I. I'm kidding,
of course. Canadians are so sensitive!)
Tony claims this match is "hard to watch" because of all the brutality.
Well, he's partly right.
Kidman claims Torrie will rip off the Revolution's units and use them as
toothpicks if she
has to. So she likes having units in her mouth? That's good to know.
Douglas leaps onto the apron and distracts the ref and Saturn hits a low
blow! Torrie crumples to the mat and Saturn covers! 1, 2, 3! My God, Torrie
has TESTICLES! Ugh! Puke! Blech!
Wait, here comes THE TOTAL NARCISSIST & LIZBET to the ring! Elizabeth is
jogging and bouncing but the camera pans to Luger?! Come ON!
Bret's a hero who fights dirty, kicks people in the nuts, and calls guys
"pussies", so you can bet he doesn't want to win like this.
Lex can't wrestle tonight but to avoid letting his fans down, he's going to
cut them all a check so they get their money's worth. Hey, I'm a HUGE Total
Package fan! Make it out to Chris Jones, care of... bah, forget it.
Liz doesn't sound happy. I'm not happy either... Elizabeth was never shown
from the front ONCE during this interview!
Due to his injuries after being powerbomed through a cardboard stage,
Steiner has been forced to forfeit the TV title to Scott Hall. Yeah! Hall's
old, has hardly wrestled this year, and has little effect on ratings. Let's
give him TWO titles! Of course, this is worlds better than STEINER getting
two belts.
Scott (Hall) tries cutting a promo but he's sober and thus doesn't make any
sense.
David Flair is somewhere backstage... ahem... polishing his crowbar. No,
really. What did you think I meant? But it's funny, if I was about to
wrestle Kimberly, I'd polish my crowbar AFTER the match.
Then the lights go out! BONG! MY GOD, THE UNDERTAKER IS IN WCW! No wait,
it's that black chick again. That always fools me!
Kim tries playing coy with Dave and reaches for his fly. Suggesting oral sex
on a wrestling show?
SOMEBODY GET BOB RYDER ON THE PHONE! Wait, he's probably there... and he's
probably polishing his crowbar.
Video clips show us the history between Sid and Goldberg. So they did the
"Sid bleeds but keeps fighting" bit last month... is tonight the "Sid passes
out rather than quit" portion of the "let's pitifully re-create the Steve
Austin face turn" plan?
Mike Tenay talks with Sid. Sid doesn't plan on saying "I Quit". C'mon, NEVER
say "I Quit" in your pre-match interview just before an I Quit match!
My experience at a WCW house show in December 1999, including my meeting Jeff Jarrett and my sexual encounter with Kimberly and Torrie Wilson! (One of the above isn't true, but you'll have to read to find out which one!)
Can you believe it... it's the 6th WCW event you and I have shared together.
It all started
back at the legendary Bash at the Beach and we've taken part of every
pay-per-view since... not to mention various T&A specials and the like. I
don't know about you, but I'll never forget the memories and all the friends
I've made. (*Sniff*) And hey, maybe next year you can start chipping in on
the cost every now and then! I'm not made of money, you greedy bastards!
But do you know what could really put this show over the top? BREASTS!
That's right! Why let the WWF have all the fun? Let's see some boobies
tonight! And I ain't talking Ed Ferrara's. Good God, man, keep your shirt
on!
But enough of this petty banter! We didn't come to talk... we came to ROCK!
Right? Right?! No? Okay.
How much do you want to bet that Ed Ferrara wanted this angle to end up with
either Madusa being Evan's mother or Evan realizing how bad he wanted his
actual mother?
Madusa gets knocked to the floor and Evan climbs to the top... cross body!
Evan is BRILLIANT... he can land on her chest and not be injured at all!
Vampiro and the Misfits stand victorious, because it takes FIVE FUCKING
PEOPLE to subdue one of the writers. I can't wait until we see Russo
wrestle... and you KNOW that's coming.
I guess Nash is going over here, since we know he doesn't show up at
Starrcade unless he's winning.
This follow-up to the Nipple came shortly after the original was named the [slash] wrestling 1999 COLUMN OF THE YEAR. It also contains my horrifying tale of dental procedures gone wrong, which has prevented me from reading this one again as I don't wish to bring those unfortunate memories back to the surface. I'm such a weenie.
The Vampiro attack from the pre-game show is shown again. Vampiro wanted
both guys in the ring, so they made it a 3-way match... as calling it a
"handicap match" might offend somebody.
Dave hits a back suplex on his partner and then kisses Daffney with the sort
of passion that makes Triple H and Stephanie look like they're filming porn
scenes on Raw.
Backstage we find Madusa, her massive rack, and Spice talking about how sick
they are of Oklahoma. I think it's jealousy because Ed's breasts are bigger
than Madusa's.
Madusa knocks Oklahoma outside and pours the sauce on him as Spice and Asya
hold him still. I guess sistas are doin' it for themselves. Or something.
Who cares?
Just to sum up, the only two singles champions in WCW right now are Brian
Knobs and Ed Ferrara. Viva WCW!
Booker enters wearing the GAYEST OUTFIT EVER! Seriously, it looks like a
giant condom.
I guess the underlying angle in this one would be... who GOT the hummer?
(Rim shot!) Thanks, folks, I'll be here all week.
Page hammers Buff a little more as Kimberly watches with a vacant stare and
no emotion... or, in other words, how she normally looks.
Tenay: "The locker room has emptied! That's the respect they have for these
two men!" Needless to say, there's only about 8 people standing there as
Tenay says that.
A big fat congrats to my sister Pamela and my main homey Mikey on the birth
of my niece Lauren. This didn't relate to this recap in the least until I
mentioned that I was off to watch WCW and the baby, barely a few weeks old,
looked at me and said "you WATCH that crap?" Straight out
of the mouth of babes, my friends.
Jarrett leads the crew off as the nWo girls continue a proud tradition by
flirting with Gene. Anyone want to give me odds on Woman's baby really being
Okerlund's?
It boggles the mind to think of the balls it must have taken to actually put
into writing that the Demon would be wrestling in main events. You can
switch "balls" with "mind-numbing stupidity", if you wish.
Knobs rolls outside and covers! 1, 2, 3!! THE CROWD GOES APESHIT!!! Okay,
you caught me, they didn't.
Shane reaches his feet and bends over as Norman walks up behind him to smack
him up and do him in the butt. The San Francisco crowd, as you might
imagine, pops HUGE for the implied
sodomy!
Demon does the Gene Simmons blood drooling and Madden wonders what exactly
the substance is. Tony suggests that Mark isn't up on his "KISS-tory". Shoot
me now. Please.
Tank crouches next to Al, holding a knife to his throat and saying "I could
fucking KILL you!". WHAT... THE... FUCK?! Is this really happening? They
quickly pan away and Tony claims it was
scissors (wrong) and that Tank wanted to cut off Al's beard (what
beard?).
Biggs grabs the stick and tells us we're looking at the NEW New Harlem Heat
Incorporated. Everybody's all hugs as they exit. What does it say when
Stevie Ray is the most talented wrestler in a group?
Madden says something about Daffney's breasts. He probably didn't mention
that his are bigger than hers, but it's the truth.
Flair makes his way down with the determination of a man who's only at this
show because he can't get out of his contract.
Madden says something about a chop and Terri's nipple... now he's ripping ME
off!! Wait, he probably meant "Terry's nipple", not "Terri's". Never
mind.
Hulk promises to make Luger's arm go snap, crackle, pop... and if Liz gets
involved, he'll break HER in half and feed her to Lex! Hey, if anybody's
gonna eat Liz around here, it's gonna be
ME, pal.
They didn't mention it... but don't forget about next month's event! Because
when you think things can't get any worse, there's always Uncensored!
As the Prince enters we see some clips that try to fool us into thinking
there's an interesting angle behind this match.
Psycho enters as we get a good look at the horribly ugly shirt the Artist
plans to wrestle in. Hey
Artist, my dad called, he wants his pajama top back.
The announcers try in vain to find something Candido's done worth mentioning
(I guess Tammy doesn't count)...
Tenay actually starts to introduce Norman and the Demon as (Miss Hancock)
enters, because the Nitro Girl theme sounds SO much like "God of
Thunder".
Norman's music starts up and Norman bends over so Miss Hancock can smack him
up and do him in the butt. So, what... she doesn't take it that way?
Tease.
Mean Gene talks with Brian Knobs. Knobs dedicates his match to Crowbar and
Bam Bam. WOW! A Brian Knobs match! The gift that keeps on giving!
Tenay: "And all of a sudden, respectability just came back to the WCW
hardcore division in the form of the new champ Brian Knobs". When putting a
title on Brian Knobs means it gains credibility, I think it's time to
rethink things.
See, if Booker added two E's to the T, then it'd still sound like "Booker T"
and he wouldn't have to worry about lawsuits over the use of just the T. The
legal advice is free... this time.
See, in a nutshell, Kidman be messin' wit' his bitch and not watchin'
Booka's back, so Booka ain't pleased and Kidman's all "calm down" and
Torrie's all "what-EVER".
Tony: "Booker is a 1 man assault team!" Tag to Kidman. Tony: "This is real
teamwork!" Only
Tony can contradict himself in consecutive statements.
The fans swarm the cameras and Vamp opts to celebrate in the crowd since
trying to get away would be impossible. They pull to a wide shot... LOOK AT
THE EMPTY SEATS!
"Keep it burning. Ya earned my respect tonight, I beat it into you and I got
it from ya. That's
all I've got to say. They're always stealin' me Lucky Charms!" Okay, he
didn't say that last part... but I was hoping he would. That or maybe the
always classic "cause I'm bizarre".
Flair starts off his interview by putting Luger over. Odd that Ric will do
that now, but he wouldn't 10 years ago.
If Steiner was the "insurance policy", why didn't he HELP JARRETT WIN THE
MATCH? Steiner is a waste of perfectly good chemicals!
Snickers brings you WrestleMania! And, if you eat too many, a fat ass!
Moolah tries covering Terri's ass with her jacket as they escape. That's IT?
GO STRAIGHT TO HELL, WWF!
JR: "Tori has a terminal case of ass breath, thanks to Rikishi!" Eh, I'd
still do her.
Stephanie taking a Rock Bottom while wearing that top was pretty dangerous.
"Dangerous" meaning "too bad her boobs didn't pop out".
But on the other hand, Jeff Jarrett IS still in the main event... and we
know Russo likes the ladies, and that's sure to mean plenty of cleavage
shots from Kimberly, Torrie, and the like... so things can't be ALL bad. If
Double J's packing the gold and girls like Kimberly's are packing their
funbags into a tight top, I could give a shit about everything else,
baby!
Also tonight, the referees have been told to relax the DQ rules. You know
what that means! BRING ON THE SCREWJOBS!
Up next... Jimmy Hart vs. Mancow! BREAK OUT THE VCR!!!
So it only takes two moves to beat Ernest Miller? Man, the Cat is a pussy.
(Haha! Get it? The Cat is a... bah, leave me alone.)
The only way Shane Douglas qualifies as "new blood" is if he happens to be
on the same transfusion plan as Keith Richards.
That was a nice little match, that was. But a clean finish? Who booked this
crap?
Eric picks up a chair as Hulk chokes him up against a vanity mirror. OH MY
GOD!!! THE WARRIOR IS IN THE MIRROR!!! Okay, not really.
For the second straight year, Scott Steiner wins the finals of a US title
tourney at Spring Stampede. Hey, Scott! You've done NOTHING for an entire
year! Way to go, man!
They brawl up into the crowd. Thanks to the crack WCW production crew,
watching them is like playing Where's Waldo.
Russo hugs Kimberly. That's right, who cares if her turn doesn't make
sense... RUSSO GETS TO
TOUCH HER!
Paisley pulls Tammy's dress off... that ace bandage thing was her underwear?
And she's got the panties to match?! Good LORD, has she been trading undies
with my grandmother?
"Deja Vu, just a different crapper." And with that one line, Terry Funk sums
up an entire show!
The Royals jersey gets removed... AHHHH!!! RALPHUS ASS CRACK!!! RALPHUS ASS
CRACK!!! I'M BLIND!!! And if Raphus was Norman's "perfect" partner, are we to believe that Norman Smiley is retarded? SLAMBOREE - TERRY FUNK VS. NORMAN/RALPHUS
Man, I have NEVER liked Shawn Stasiak. C'mon, the guy couldn't get over when
his gimmick was SCREWING TERRI RUNNELS.
"From now on you address me by my real name. Hugh... G.... Rection. Captain
Rection, for short." Holy lord. Will they rename the other MIA members, too?
Imagine "Phil Atio" and
"Dick Goesinya" being in Hugh's corner.
Hugh gets locked in a bear hug. Arm drops once! Twice! But not three! No,
sir! THIS HUGH G RECTION WON'T STAY DOWN!
The announcers tell us that it's not about wins or losses. So why have
matches?
Chuck has on the same tights and kneepads as Luger. Gee, a WCW wrestler
who's gimmick is a rip-off of somebody else's? What will Shawn Stasiak,
Buzzkill, Juvi, and Oklahoma have to say?
If you're wondering, Eric comes in just behind Steve Austin and just ahead
of Tammy Sytch on the "large gut after a return to TV" scale. But, of
course, Big T has them ALL beat.
Kimberly follows Bischoff down because it's extremely important to the
storyline that she be there, just in case you thought Bischoff was stroking
his own ego by giving himself a hot valet.
The Filthy Animals get their curtain dropping entrance, which is really...
what's the word... oh yeah... GAY.
If YOU bought the Great American Bash... you can get a FREE Hulkster
inflatable raft! WOW! I find this gift choice odd since the way the ship of
WCW is sailing right now, I wouldn't be handing out the rafts too
quickly.
Kanyon stares straight ahead from the ramp. Somebody get that man a drool
cup!
Kanyon takes off his t-shirt... he's got a New Blood shirt on! SOMEBODY
TURNED ON DDP AT A PPV!! WE'VE NEVER SEEN THAT! WHAT A SWERVE!!!
Anyway, Kanyon's positive he took Page out because he's "Positively Kanyon".
Ha ha. Oh, my sides. Whoa. Ha ha. Let me catch my breath.
Nash is entering levels of courage in (the figure four) only seen before by
Vince Russo!
Madden and Tony talk about how nobody saw this coming just as we zoom in on
a sign reading "Goldberg -IS- New Blood". Seems SOMEBODY saw it coming.
Well... that's it! A whole year's worth of crap squished down to that. If you're not sick of me by now, be sure to check out my two latest features... Bash at the Beach 2000 and my anniversary column The Jones Zone... which were both too late to include in this. I'll see you back here for New Blood Rising, the upcoming WWF Divas tape (which I'm getting a FREE COPY OF! Go me!), and we'll probably be back year in a year to run down the wacky hijinks from 2000. Thanks for reading! And at the risk of sounding gay, lame, and/or both... it's really been fun this past year, interacting and discussing things with everyone who corresponds. So if you haven't already, drop me a line and say hi. If nothing else stems from you letter, I've been known to give out FREE PORN! Adios!
Chris Jones |
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