THE DEVICE
It's time for Metallica music
It's time to dim the lights
It's time to have Sting's entrance on Nitro Monday night.
Vampiro wears weird makeup
Tony can't call moves right
Mark Madden's mouth is open on Nitro Monday night.
Why does Eric love celebs? I guess we'll never know.
It's like he never learned from that fat-assed Will Sasso
And now let's get things started.
WHY DON'T YOU GET THINGS STARTED?!
Long promos get things started on the irritational, quite frustrational,
HELLebrational, Hogantational
THIS IS WHAT THEY CALL MONDAY NITRO!!!!!!
Actually, this is what they call the most electrifying column in sports
entertainment today, The Device. And I am the World's Most Dangerous
Columnist, the Pride of 2Dope, Your Internet Hero, Dartmouth Dan Doomsday.
And you'll feel smarter after you read this week's column. Well, no, not
really, but there really is some EXTRANEOUS BULLSHIT here.
LAKERS UPDATE: Lakers 2, Kings 0. YOU SEE THAT CRZ?!?! YOU SEE THAT?!?!
Add 1 more, and it's on to Phoenix or San Antonio. It's the start of a
dynasty, ladies and gentlemen, mark my words.
DAVID ARQUETTE: No. No, no, no. I don't know what else to say here that
hasn't already been said, but I just hope that Vinny Ru and Uncle Eric have
some kind of plan here...This may be the first time that I'm grateful to see
a Dusty Finish.
DOOMSDAY ON MOVIES: If you can get to see Fantasia 2000 before it leaves
theaters, do so. It's some fun stuff...classical music makes you smarter,
you know. Among the best sequences are Gershwin's "Rhapsody in Blue,"
Elgar's "Pomp and Circumstance" (OOOOOOOOH YEAHHHHHHH), and the thing with
the flamingos and the yo-yo. However, the thing with the flying whales
was...wait for it...THE PRETZELS!!
DOOMSDAY ON MUSIC: Mick damn you, Vitamin C. I heard "Graduation (Friends
Forever)" for the first time this week, and as I am graduating high school in
June, I must say that I got a teeny tiny bit weepy. I mean, I can't AFFORD
to be weepy now. I have AP exams to take. I have plans to make. For the
love of Mick, I HAVE A WRESTLING COLUMN TO WRITE!!!!
Speaking of which, that brings me to this week's Device. It's a look at how
some wrestlers and commentators have played to us, the Internet wrestling
community, and the success that they have had in doing so. With apologies to
Don Adams and Barbara Feldon, I now present to you...
Get Smart
The late 90's have seen the wrestling industry change tremendously. For
some of us, the politics and infighting that take place backstage at
wrestling shows have become more interesting than the choreographed battles
taking place in the ring.
As the promoters have become more and more aware of this change in the
business, we have seen an increasing number of wrestlers and commentators try
to get themselves over by playing to the "smart" community. Sometimes it's
worked and sometimes it hasn't. Within this column, we'll see who did the
best job of getting our attention.
CASE 1: Brian Pillman and Kevin Sullivan
THE SITUATION: In 1996, Kevin Sullivan was booking WCW (which leads me to
question why they let him do it again in 2000, especially when it cost them
the Radicals, but that's a whole other story altogether). The decomposition
of the Allegiance to End Hulkamania saw a feud evolve between the Horsemen
and the Dungeon of Doom, which in turn saw an individual feud evolve between
Pillman and Sullivan. In the interest of realism, things got uglier than
usual, to the point where smart fans questioned the shoot/work status of the
feud. Of course, it was a work, but Pillman and Sullivan were the only ones
who knew this, once again in the interest of realism. Then, to add more fuel
to the angle, Pillman asked for his release, the only problem being that the
legal guys didn't stop to think about what business they were in, and they
actually GAVE PILLMAN HIS RELEASE. Once he had his release, Pillman decided
to head for greener pastures, but being a class act, he finished out his feud
with Sullivan in a "respect match" at Superbrawl VI. The rules: both men
tied together with a strap, the winner is the man who makes his opponent say
"I respec you." After about a minute or so of wrestling, Pillman grabbed the
mic, said, "I respect you, bookerman!" and then left, never to be seen again
in WCW.
THE RESULTS: Beautiful. The entire world, from the "smarts" to the "marks"
to the legal team to the wrestlers themselves were worked and worked good.
While today, Kevin Sullivan is considered to be an idiot who doesn't know
what the hell to do with the book (a reputation he deserves), his feud with
Brian Pillman was absolutely brilliant. The Pillman-Sullivan feud has since
gone on to become the stuff of legend on the Internet, and the inspiration
for every "reality-based angle" since. That isn't necessarily a good thing,
though, as that leads me to....
CASE 2: Diamond Dallas Page and Buff Bagwell
THE SITUATION: With WCW grabbing at straws in late 1999 and early 2000, the
bigwigs at WCW decided that they were going to try to get back in the game by
"working the smarts." Page and Bagwell had a lukewarm brawl backstage at
Nitro, stemming from an alleged incident involving Bagwell and Kimberly. The
aftermath saw an angle evolve from the incident, with Page and Bagwell
locking horns on several occasions.
THE RESULT: Ugly. Butt ugly. The thought of David Arquette and Courtney
Cox together ugly. Absolutely no one was fooled, and even Mark Madden, a
notorious WCW shill, and a self-admitted one at that, declared in a column
that Page and Bagwell's attempt to pay homage to Pillman was doing more harm
than good, and was actually desecrating the memory of the brilliance that was
Brian Pillman's last WCW feud. Besides, the fued never went anywhere.
CASE 3: TANK ABBOTT AND MARK MADDEN
THE SITUATION: Mark Madden is, for all intents and purposes, a fat pile of
shit who hypes up WCW at every turn, and looks for every single possible
opportunity to blast the WWF. As the Internet wrestling community is largely
pro-WWF at this point, Madden's views make him quite unpopular. On the first
Nitro, Tank Abbott, who had previously failed to get over at every turn
(without it being his fault, I might add), appeared in the ring, challenged
Goldberg, and promised to beat up an innocent victim at each WCW show until
Goldberg answered the challenge. His first victim was the hated Mark Madden,
prompting my friend Wallace (the Zenon to my Netcop), to declare Abbott the
coolest wrestler ever.
THE RESULT: Up in the air. Tank is fast becoming one of my favorite
wrestlers, and it will be interesting to see how his feud with Goldberg
evolves, as well as his feud with the returning Marc Mero. Meanwhile, it was
good to see Madden get his ass kicked, along with that other fat pile of goo
Bob Ryder, if only as part of a storyline. But we'll see where it goes.
CASE 4: EDGE AND CHRISTIAN
THE SITUATION: During a singles match between Road Dogg Jesse James and
Chris Benoit on this past week's RAW, Edge and Christian appeared at ringside
to provide commentary. I have lifted their exact words from CRZ's Raw recap,
which you can read here
(like I need to give a link...anyone who's reading this probably already
read the recap):
Christian: "...the reason why we're here is, you see, in about three or four
minutes, if ah Road Dogg here in fact does have the upper hand, you know
maybe he's gettin' jiggy and maybe throwin' some jabs or something like that,
we're basically gonna interfere and cost him the match."
Edge: "You know what, in wrestling circles, that's called a 'run-in,' derived
from the fact that as it looks like Road Dogg's about to win that match we're
gonna cause him to lose."
Lawler: "A 'run-in?'"
Edge: "Yeah."
Lawler: "Hey, JR, they're gonna do a run-in!"
Ross: "That's what I've heard - I'm somewhat shocked at their bluntness"
Lawler: (to Edge & Christian) "Sometimes JR can be sorta markish."
Edge: "Well, I know he's a mark for Edge and Christian, and damn well he
should be."
THE RESULTS: Brilliant, abso-f'in-lutely brilliant. The entire segment was
gold. It effectively broke down the "fourth wall" between the wrestlers and
the fans. It made all the smarts laugh out loud. It established Edge and
Christian's ability to work on the mic, and it established their place as
true " 'tweeners." This interview should lead to great things for two
excellent young workers.
In conclusion, there is no conclusion. The WWF does a good job, and WCW
has done a good job at times, but they also are very prone to screwing things
up. But that should surprise absolutely no one, since that has been the
story in professional wrestling for a long long time. Until next week, I'm
Dartmouth Dan Doomsday, and this has been the Device. Keep reading, because
READING IS FUNDAMENTAL!!!