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17.10.13 03:00

MAYORAL CANDIDATE #34: JEFFREY ALAN WAGNER (DEMOCRATIC-FARMER-LABOR) "Wake the f*ck up!" These four words permeate throughout Wagner's campaign - it would be great if that were what people heard and took to heart, but...we all know better. With his initial viral video (which I haven't linked, but I'm sure you've seen), former and current local rock tycoon Wagner stole the mantle from Mr. Sparrow as the candidate the rest of the nation (or maybe just its media) were happy to point to as a complete distraction and declare just how weird our happy little crowded mayor's race had become. But it's the Internet, so of course there's a whole lot more to the story - but most of the blog commenters who immediately declared "I'll vote for him!" didn't need (or WANT) to hear it. (Nor did they want to see any follow-up ads...at least two have been released, and as is usually the case with this viral stuff, it's been hard to recapture the lightning in more than one bottle.) Although he declared DFL, he has some very un-DFL beliefs - normally, this isn't a bad thing, but... At the Star Tribune, he declined to state his age on his questionnaire, but did offer his occupation as a baggage handler at MSP. ("Baggage handler" is not a double entendre, though I understand if you thought about going there.) Some of his tweets have given the impression that he works at the Taco Bell in the airport, but I'm pretty sure he's joshin' there. (IS there a Taco Bell in the airport?) Most of his tweets/Facebook status updates prior to filing do appear to revolve around the baggage handling arena (no pun intended...also, most of the photos have disappeared...or maybe the links broke because he had chaged the name of his Facebook wall page to "JeffreyWagner4Mayor" - ah, it's late, I have to stop trying to figure this out.) ANYWAY. When not running for office or working at the airport, Wagner produces MRTC TV (Modern Rock Twin Cities Television) for Blip and YouTube...ah, now we have the background behind the ability to produce viral advertisements, yeah? Anyway, somewhere along the line he decided to separate the campaign from his business (well, sorta) so he another Twitter account was created. That one's got 5 tweets and 15 followers. (The MRTC Twitter has just under 300 followers.) He has said that he's 46 on that Twitter account - this gibes with the ages on BustedMugShots.com's six arrest records between 2000 and 2009. I didn't pay to find out what they were, but elsewhere on the Internet it is reported that it's mostly DWI and/or driving while on suspension from the DWI. I'm not sure this was ever reported in the Star Tribune, by the way. Roll your eyes with me here. Another thing you haven't read in the papers is that he lives in Columbia Heights, which is juuuuuuuust outside the city limits and not a part of Minneapolis. As covered earlier with Mr. Anderson and Mr. Gould, there aren't a whole lot of requirements when you pay your $20 to file, but you DO have to swear or affirm that you'll have lived in the city for 30 days by the day of the election. I haven't seen any indication of any recent moves and we're passed that 30 day mark... If you'd like to see what a younger to MUCH younger Wagner looked like, he's put up on YouTube his appearance before Judge Wapner on "The People's Court" - no year attached, but with Wapner would have to be between 1981 and 1993 - he's definitely been a rakishly handsome lad all his life. I should also mention that he ran for City Council in 2009, amassing 321 votes and finishing third of the three declared candidates. (He may not have lived in Minneapolis THEN, either - but a Southwest Journal profile says he did indeed live in the Ward in which he was running, in Loring Park. This profile also contains this quote, intimating that the Wagner style of politics didn't originate in 2013: "I’m a fool, dude...Not a good idea to drink heavy and then decide to try to change the world.") So there you have it. A great message, but a checkered past, checkered present, possibly not meeting the simple qualifications of city residency. Oh, AND he's one of the "Likes" for this page, and hopefully I didn't lose him if he reads this far. By the way, he and I have 15 mutual friends on Facebook...and, because he's big into the rock scene, it should come as no surprise that almost all of our mutual friends are also in at least one band. Sometimes I think I'm the only guy in Minneapolis not in a band. Maybe I should join a band after the election. I honestly can't tell you if I'd be a better mayor than this man or not, but unless he moves to Minneapolis yesterday, it might be a moot point! Am I right or wrong? It's YOUR vote! NEXT: Have we finally reached the end of this list? Praise the Lord!

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